i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
