we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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