Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
