glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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