you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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