DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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