I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
