I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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