Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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