I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
