My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
