he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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