The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
