I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
