You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
