Don't make out with my wife yet
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
