Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
