so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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