In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
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Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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