they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
