Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We're too hungover to prance.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
