He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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