I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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