He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Four minutes until I can fart!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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