so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
