I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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