Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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