the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
