1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My life is pants optional.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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