Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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