brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
