so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
