You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
