hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
