Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
