I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
