You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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