my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
