He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
