"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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