You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
