i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
