So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
