At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
