You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
