FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
