Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
