Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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