Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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