The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
