I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
