Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So here I am, sexting at work.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
