dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
