I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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