he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
